You Shouldn't Have To Carry Something So Heavy

by Brian Sikes Howe

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1.	Do You Trust Me? 00:54
2.	Body Container 03:18	lyrics	buy track
made a couple bucks selling arts and crafts in a pop up gift shop for outcasts but i made a few more playing tug o war with a version of myself that i've never cared for oh it's so obscene when by any means becomes the routine always wondered what the life of a villain would be until i looked in a mirror long enough to see the real me greed it's in my dna wasn’t raised in a gutter but we scrapped for change wasn’t phased by the stutter stutter stutter stutter stutter stutter so i leaned on the strange now i’m the cool kid on the block but still i can’t look anyone in the eyes when i talk and i owe no apologies but if you read between the lines you’ll see i’m really kinda boring boring boring boring can i still be an entertainer in this pipe dream mainstream body container made a couple bucks saying this and that on a basement floor armed for combat but i made a few more filling up dance floors peddling nostalgia through aux cords what a joke my pride acts like it'd rather be broke but if the old me could see i'd probably have a stroke kinda funny how shit works out when you follow your gut instead of their self doubt look at me now better late than never found a lotta room to grow where i didn't think i'd ever wrote a love letter to myself for some positive change never phased by the negative i lean on the strange now i'm the cool kid on the block but still i can’t look anyone in the eyes when i talk and i owe no apologies but if you read between the lines you’ll see i’m really kinda boring boring boring boring can i still be an entertainer in this pipe dream mainstream body container i spent a lotta days living in a cage that wasn't even locked but it's easy wearing chains too busy being shackled to excuses that i blame for every dumbass choice i have made time to grow up even if it's too late jumped from 17 to 50 and it doesn't feel great but i'm trying best fuck what the rest might say fuck what the rest might say you're never too old to have a good day now i'm the cool kid on the block but still i can’t look anyone in the eyes when i talk and i owe no apologies but if you read between the lines you’ll see i’m really kinda boring boring boring boring can i still be an entertainer in this pipe dream mainstream body container
3.	The Bite 04:30	lyrics	buy track
pour a cup of wine yes a cup not a glass i’m talking every last drop send it straight down the hatch pour a cup of wine yes a cup not a glass i’m talking every last drop send it straight down the hatch drive into the fog but i never dodge the catch that the itch outlives every scratch i wanna be a better man than the man that i am but the man that i am is just the man that i am you can't teach an old dog new tricks but you can tell your self doubt to eat shit you can’t break through glass with cardboard bricks but you can boost the volume you transmit too many bodies not enough hearts a lot of dark souls faking claim to the art it's a little late now you should have known from the start these dogs ain't got nuthin but bark keep talking that talk you ain't got the teeth for the bite the legs for the walk the fists for the fight alright alright alright it's pretty damn clear alright alright i smell that fear real talk you ain't got the teeth for the bite the legs for the walk the fists for the fight alright alright alright it's pretty damn clear why the self obsessed mind knows nothing but fear pour a cup of wine yes a cup not a glass i’m talking every last drop send it straight down the hatch pour a cup of wine yes a cup not a glass i’m talking every last drop send it straight down the hatch how the hell am i supposed to relax getting dragged into a fire of my own fake facts no stranger to the sound of my dreams gone splat but still act like i’m better than any other starving rat i’m a dumbass can’t seem to reckon with the parallels egos been checked but now i'm hearing the alarm bells it's just so hard to find some simple peace the chaos in my cerebellum only seems to increase fuck it we should all be allowed to be bad it's okay to suck it's fine to be trash no need to impress ain't got time for that so let me make my peace with the crash and you keep talking that talk you ain't got the teeth for the bite the legs for the walk the fists for the fight alright alright alright it's pretty damn clear alright alright i smell that fear real talk you ain't got the teeth for the bite the legs for the walk the fists for the fight alright alright alright it's pretty damn clear why the self obsessed mind knows nothing but fear don't let your identity identify you so much that you let it become your crutch sometimes you gotta go to places you don't wanna go but it's the only way the soul can grow i wanna be a better man than the man that i am but the man that i am is just the man that i am i wanna be a better man than the man that i am but the man that i am is just the man that i am keep talking that talk you ain't got the teeth for the bite the legs for the walk the fists for the fight alright alright alright it's pretty damn clear alright alright i smell that fear real talk you ain't got the teeth for the bite the legs for the walk the fists for the fight alright alright alright it's pretty damn clear why the self obsessed mind knows nothing but fear pour a cup of wine yes a cup not a glass i’m talking every last drop send it straight down the hatch pour a cup of wine yes a cup not a glass i’m talking every last drop send it straight down the hatch
4.	Bruises 03:03	lyrics	buy track
back to basics cue up the lasik visions been blurry couldn't scurry in the spaceship too grounded the votes been counted never been a winner but this sinners well rounded jack of all trades man of many hats a little bit of this and a whole lot of that too many hours not enough charge but replacing this battery might cause too much harm how long can i make excuses for all these bruises can you tell this shell has many dark uses outdated software planned obsolescence technology dangled like a worm for the pheasants it's a small small world claustrophobic unpleasant no proper punctuation on the sentence nothing but a menace to a mind unchained takes a whole lot of chemicals to wash these stains experimental tactics sketchy chiropractics been left to fossilize like nostalgia in the attic out with the old and in with the old ain't a damn story thats left to be told art left to rot cant you smell the mold just copy and paste to turn waste to gold i know i know i know it's sounds cliché haven't gone off the edge but ya boy is half way steady medication put on my thoughts display studied my brain and these words are my essay listen how long can i make excuses for all these bruises can you tell this shell has many dark uses how long can i make excuses for all these bruises can you tell this shell has many dark uses i never thought i'd crave touch this much i never thought i'd crave touch this much i never thought i'd crave touch this much taking the body for granted turns out i've planted the seeds that i clutch into bad soil ain't damn thing growing but this row of bad jokes that i'm sowing one day when they cleaning out trunk this treasure will be recovered and used for a marker to measure the progress for our excess living in a technology graveyard just waiting for the reset how long can i make excuses for these bruises can you tell this shell has many dark uses
5.	Permanent Haze 03:51	lyrics	buy track
line up at the station with immense anticipation eyes so wide watching every rotation disassociation from the universe this is rehabilitation built to break my curse my turn is coming up next hop up in the seat strap down on my neck holding my breath heartbeat pounding my chest got two thumbs up it's the best i know what i need and it isn't that much no other living thing will become my crutch with the human race i'm afraid i've lost touch put my faith on these steel rails twisting me up head above the water arms in the sky learning how to fly it's a temporary high back in the standby smacked by the wait at my lowest with the heat baking me into a grave take it to my grave take it to my grave nobody has to know the way my shadows misbehave take it to my grave take it to my grave permanent haze take it to my grave take it to my grave nobody has to know the way my shadows misbehave take it to my grave take it to my grave lost in the wave melting away the price i pay ain't cheap flesh falls off the bone but i don't make a peep suffer in the solitude but thrive in the crime of an independent though hive mind here we go all clear time for the launch bye bye pull the soul out of my body now in flying sky high life on the rails dragons unchained caught up in the mystery i'll never be the same this is a forced interaction with me at my best beyond stubborn and i couldn't care less ain't cracked the cover but you know i know the end so in the end i may well just pretend another gold star collecting adhesive justifications as a placeholder for evidence of a productive education my frustration conversation bout the practice of my preach will never line up with dribble that you teach take it to my grave take it to my grave nobody has to know the way my shadows misbehave take it to my grave take it to my grave permanent haze take it to my grave take it to my grave nobody has to know the way my shadows misbehave take it to my grave take it to my grave lost in the wave outsider on the inside but i'll do what i can to blend in for the meantime fire up the chainsaw keep on trimming branches till i feel like i can belong if they find the skeletons in my closet ain't getting back my security deposit the facts might not ever be clear but they'll know that i was hiding something dark in here take it to my grave take it to my grave nobody has to know the way my shadows misbehave take it to my grave take it to my grave permanent haze take it to my grave take it to my grave nobody has to know the way my shadows misbehave take it to my grave take it to my grave lost in the wave
6.	Message To Myself (Unread) 04:18	lyrics	buy track
ain't free from the chains just got a longer leash everyone has a price if your budget has the reach scrubbing out the stains soak my body in the bleach try to be a modest man but never practice what i preach my current thirst can't operate on this os i'd never get away with murder in this old vest obsessed obsessed obsessed obsessed with with a life that i don't possess another vessel for my demons would be so blessed another lonely night another empty bed the pictures that i paint are always better in my head and now i'm liking all these photos wish i liked myself instead another lonely night another empty bed the pictures i would paint were always better in my head another message to myself unread refresh the page my shame has no limits open up the fridge ten times in ten minutes looking for some light in the shadows i've been slippin they think i got it all but i'm not sharing what i'm missin the grass is always greener the blood is always cold i built this city on rock and roll we have pride to be bought and sold we all hold guilt that never grows old skipped the foreplay and jumped right in spit up my dark past so i could lube this skin close the blinds so they can't look through got a lot more fucking myself to do ain't gotta play dumb when you play by the rules follow yourself off a cliff like they taught in the schools from the womb to the mines from the mines to the tomb yeah only dead men trade time for jewels another lonely night another empty bed the pictures that i paint are always better in my head and now i'm liking all these photos wish i liked myself instead another lonely night another empty bed the pictures i would paint were always better in my head another message to myself unread i couldn't be thinking any different than i was last week didn't take so long to get back on my feet but sometimes the bottom really ain't as deep as you think i know i'm not bleeding any more than i have before didn't take so long to scrub the stain from the floor but sometimes self care don't gotta be such a chore it's kinda weird being here without you now that i've done everything we ever wanted to do first out of spite and then out of fear but now i don't know what i'm still doing here it's clear somethings still missing from the puzzle i found every piece but the assembly a struggle maybe i’m ready to let go of what i've been through because i'm ready to see a picture without you another lonely night another empty bed the pictures that i paint are always better in my head and now i'm liking all these photos wish i liked myself instead another lonely night another empty bed the pictures i would paint were always better in my head another message to myself unread
7.	Funhouse Blues 04:22	lyrics	buy track
the mirror ain't warped my shape is just shifting i used to care yeah but now i don’t placing my bets on clichés i used to say i won't invisible little man on the stage 30 years of making art so i can just push play hey i’m doing better than i did before getting everything i wanted but i still need more boy i tried to fill the hole with anything that i could with anyone that i could cant say it felt so good no in a funhouse it's kinda hard to point the blame when every mirror in the room points a different way the mirror ain't warped my shape is just shifting i used try yeah and i still do the time i got on my side has beat me black and blue easy to look like i’m living the life might see a few frames of my day but i won't show you the fight right everybody wants to play this game but nobody on the court wants to face their shame you know i tried to stay sane in anyway that i could with anything that i could cant say it felt so good no in a funhouse it's kinda hard to point the blame when every mirror in the room points a different way you know i shouldn't have these kinda problems at my age but it's too easy to swing fists at things i can't change the mirror ain't warped my shape is just shifting i used to care yeah but now i don’t in a funhouse it's kinda hard to point the blame when every mirror in the room points a different way you know i shouldn't have these kinda problems at my age but it's too easy to swing fists at things i can't change the mirror ain't warped my shape is just shifting
8.	Just Leave The Party 03:47	lyrics	buy track
these young fools are so wrecked in a digital world there's no button to eject constant rotation into social mutation plugged in way past the recommended duration hard wired to a brave new world dna soft serve brains all swirled living through an avatar tethered to a curse playing god from a mobile hearse collect souls with the swipe of a thumb ego wins the war doesn't matter how dumb beauty the takes the gold doesn't matter how young act like the cat got your tongue don't wanna speak up don't wanna look out just wanna look good so we don't get shut down welcome to the clown show welcome home when the mirror is a camera with the output tweaked you'll never see anything other than defeat but misery loves the company your arrogance keeps got the worlds eyes in between your sheets fabricated images for warped minds the illusion of the good life all time full time online let the swine dine on this forced unattainable design hive five good job yeah you did it made a couple coins in the noise i can dig it racking up the digits but lost in the grind the social currency ain’t worth the hard time don't wanna speak up don't wanna look out just wanna look good so we don't get shut down welcome to the clown show don't wanna speak up don't wanna look out just wanna look good so we don't get shut down welcome to the clown show welcome home i can’t even pretend that i’m not my own fake best friend that i’m not my own fake best friend don't wanna speak up don't wanna look out just wanna look good so we don't get shut down welcome to the clown show don't wanna speak up don't wanna look out just wanna look good so we don't get shut down welcome to the clown show welcome home
9.	Thank You Come Again 04:32

credits

released June 30, 2023

Written, recorded, and produced by Brian Sikes Howe on various electronic devices in various cities on various dates between June 2022 - June 2023.

Special Thanks to Starbucks Coffee, Marriott Hotels, and Taylor Swift.

Thank you for listening.